1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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