I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
