i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Randomize
