You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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