Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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