Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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