I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Pants are for mortals
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
