did you get engaged???
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
