Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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