Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
