Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
