I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Text me some of your sweat
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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