rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
