Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
