Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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