She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
