If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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