you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
