And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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