Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
