why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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