awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
