there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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