Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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