Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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