Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
