your thong is hanging out like whoa
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
