Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
