you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
