some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
