I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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