Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am full of burrito and curiosity
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
