so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
