i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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