fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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