yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
