I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
