he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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