I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
