I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
