Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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