If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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