me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
