im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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