Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
