Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
