I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
