she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
