found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
