Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
