so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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