Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Who died my cat blue again?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
