Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
