rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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