Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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