he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
