If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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