Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
