We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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