24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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