saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
