Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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