I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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