one two three fourrrrnication!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
