My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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