I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you traded sex for a burrito?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
